Sunday, July 29, 2007
Despite the disclaimer about light blogging, I find myself with some time this morning after returning from the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.
The past couple of days have been a bit rough on my heart. . . Approaching that time when a pregnancy would be revealed. Throughout the entirety of the month, I have stated that I did not "feel" pregnant and convinced myself that it was not so. However, my cycle was late in starting, and for those two days, my hopes rose.
So when I did start this next cycle, it felt like "someone" was laughing at me. "Ha Ha...I got your hopes and then crushed them." Yes, I know that Our God is not like that. Yes, I know that this was the evil one ripping open that crack that was not protected from him. However, bear with me as I lay these emotions out.
On our drive to start our vacation with the family, I was so mad and upset I couldn't even speak. I raged in my head at God.
Nicole: "Do You think this is funny?! Letting me be accepting and resigned and then bringing my hopes up only to crush them!"
Nicole: "You say that You will be with me in all of my pain and suffering? Are You going to be with me in this? Even if you are, I don't know if I want to let You in."
Nicole: Interior wrestling with self. Fighting His presence. Realization that if truly honest with self, then see that He is there...despite the silence...within the silence.
God: Let ME be with you in this time...let us suffer together...let us carry this cross.
There is still pain in my heart--disappointment. But we share it together, now that I'm giving way to Him and kicking out my stubborness.
Today at Mass during the Gospel, I was struck again by that one particular verse.
“And I tell you, ask and you will receive;
seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks, receives;
and the one who seeks, finds;
and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Lord, let me surrender all my desires. Though they may be good desires, let me desire Your will above all. Lord, I ask not for a child...but the opportunity to be a mother this day, to be a bride this day. Help me to accept Your grace in these moments, that I too may say as Your mother did, "Let it be done unto me, according to thy word."